How many times have you been told no?

What pushes you to continue on your journey even when you feel like everything you have tried has all been a waste?

Are there days you just want to give up?

What makes you keep going on those days?

What is your why?

These are questions that I have looked at personally and have evaluated over time in my own life. How many times have I been told no, or had to find another way to accomplish a goal because the first path I took wasn’t meant for me? So many. I honestly can’t even answer that question off the top of my head. I remember as far back as grade school being the outcast because I wore hand-me-down clothes and wasn’t part of a family that was well-off. For the first part of my life, I was raised by a single mom. In high school, I was told no more times than I could count, whether it was due to the hardships I was going through and letting my grades go, or just letting life take over and control me in general. I had no real direction, so I followed those who accepted me. Often times, that was not a good choice. I know that now. Back then though, acceptance was important to me because most of my life, I was not accepted. In college, my dream of becoming a college basketball player was crushed when the coach told me no for getting a full scholarship (she could only offer partial, which meant I had to work still and wouldn’t be able to focus on basketball or my studies). Later on, I was told no so many times. How I even made it into the military is still a blessing in disguise.

In 2011, after working hard to make it into a program (my mom passing away during finals for the prerequisites I was taking while I was 7 months pregnant and having to eventually leave my family for the program), I was told no when I sat in front of a board to disclose why I should be there and why they should keep me. In 2013, I was told no when I applied to nursing school, but due a deployment, was unable to take one of the prerequisites (even though I took every other one). In 2015, I was told no when I tried to come back each year to perform my military duties as a new Reservist – I ended up having to go inactive and now am not able to come back in due to disabilities I incurred over the years. In 2019, shortly after returning to Jacksonville, Florida, I was fired from a job because I cared too much about the people. It’s a never-ending battle. HOWEVER, the more you continue on, the more you will eventually find your path. You have to keep the faith. I had to learn that it was not meant for me to “fit in.” It was, and still is, meant for me to stand out. Learning this has released the burden I carried for so long. I have given myself permission, finally, to just be me. I highly encourage doing this if you have not already. It’s exhilarating!

For many years, my faith was tarnished. I remember one day when I was young, I came home excited that “I had been saved.” I believe I was about 9 years old. By this time, I had watched my step-dad beat my mom for years. I lost my sister due to his violence and almost my mom. I had been molested by a friend of theirs. Learning to be saved was a great thing. However, when I told the news to my mom, she never allowed me to go back to that church. She said they brainwashed me and that I didn’t need to be saved because I had been baptized at birth. That story lets you see the flawed truths I grew up with. I now know that being baptized more than once is just as necessary as asking for salvation in our lives. It’s ok.

For the years to follow, I thought I could just do everything myself. I was lost, disillusioned, confused…I will never sit here and say every day was great because that is far from the truth. There were depressed states I went through each time I was told no. There were negative thoughts and days I just didn’t want to push through. I blamed myself for everything. I didn’t feel worthy or deserving. I had been hurt so many times. For these reasons, I had to begin taking steps towards becoming more aware of who I was. I had to self-actualize and turn the mirror around. I had to look at myself from within. I will never say it’s been easy. I will never say there won’t be valleys. However, verses like Isaiah 40:4-5 helped me through. It states, “Every valley must be filled. Every mountain and hill should be made flat. The crooked roads should be made straight, and the rough ground made smooth. Then the glory of the Lord will be shown to everyone.” To me, this particular verse lets me know that there WILL be valleys. There WILL be difficulties in our lives. However, through the Lord, He WILL fill them. He WILL flatten the mountains that look so overwhelming in our lives. Through Him, we are able to do so much more. Proverbs 16:9 says, “People can plan what they want to do, but it is the Lord who guides their steps.” All those no’s were aligning me for what He had in store. My plans were falling through because that’s not where He wanted me.

You may ask how I was able to heal from within. I will never take the credit. I had good people around me who helped me. I read scripture and used what I read in my own life. I had to learn how to heal from within by letting go more and more each day.

What really got me to continue is the fact I am a mother. It’s simple. I can continue down a path of destruction and not be a good role model for my daughter, or I can get back up each time I’m pushed down and I can keep going. I am glad I always eventually chose the latter. I grew up without a role model. When my mother remarried, her husband became very violent towards her. She became an alcoholic. He ended up on drugs. This is what I was around my whole life growing up. My mom was depressed, she didn’t cope with life very well. While she wanted to help everyone, she had a destructive behavior. She allowed men to take advantage of her. She never stood up for herself as long as I could remember. I was the same way more most of my life. I was so used to being taken advantage of, that when a good man came along, I didn’t know what to do. I was used to being mistreated. That’s all I knew. I have not made all great choices, please believe. I had a lot of regrets. However, instead of dwelling on the things I could not change, I had to begin working on the one thing I could - me.

On the days where you just want to give up, figure out why you want to give up. Have a sit down with yourself. If you are a believer, have a sit down with God. There is a plan for us all. Maybe we don’t know it at the time we are going through everything, but there is a plan. We all have this path we are meant to go down. Each time someone told me no, I never saw it that way. I looked at the negative and allowed it to take over for quite some time. I wasted more time dwelling on things that were out of my control than I did on things that I could do or be. I wasted more time doing that than I did on taking courses or going through programs that I eventually wouldn’t use. I wasted years on the “poor me” stage. We can choose what to focus on. It took a long time for me, but I finally woke up.

Either I was going to continue down the path of destruction and not give my daughter someone to look up to, or I was going to take the reins I had left and steer my own course. At the age of 39, I finally decided to do what I could to take control. I started reading personal development books, listening to podcasts, watching people I respected on YouTube. I took control of me. I have to continue working on me. It’s a daily thing. It’s easy to be taken out by other people’s limiting beliefs. Beginning the journey and taking the first step was the best decision I could have made.

Now, at almost 43 years old, I won’t say I have all the answers or that I have it all together. What I can say is that I have worked really hard on changing me and the way I react to things. I trust God and now I am able to help those who are open do the same. We are all sinners. We are all flawed. I can’t change anyone else in the world. I can’t change other people’s mindsets. I can change me. I can change my own mindset.

Until you make the decision to begin working on you, everything you go through will seem like the worst possible scenario. We tend to focus more on the negative than the positive. Think about how you react when someone gives you a compliment. Do you immediately dismiss it or do you accept it.

Once you make a conscious decision to work on how you react to things, you may find that the path you were meant to be on all along is there waiting for you. It never went anywhere. It was simply waiting until you were able to realize it was there and appreciate it. While I was waiting on the Lord to show up, He was simply waiting on ME to show up.

So today I challenge you to stop dwelling on things and people that are out of your control and focus on the one thing you can control…YOU.

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