A wise man once said we can fall 7 times as long as we get back up 8. Let this be your mantra in yet another phase of life filled with more unknowns.

As someone who has failed hundreds, if not thousands of times in life, I am grateful that I never truly gave up. I may have taken a different path (sometimes longer than necessary), but the more I began to trust God for my guidance, the more He directed me back to where I needed to be.

I have a confession to make: I am a habitual over-analyzer. If this could be classified as a sickness or addiction of some sort, I would be right there at the top of the addiction ladder. If it were a sickness, I would be in the hospital. Here's what being an over-analyzer has left me: total insanity, depression, overwhelm, and pure chaos. I finally had to ask myself, “why do I do this to myself?” You see, no one else was making me crazy. I was making myself crazy! I was the one who was allowing the insanity. I harbored it and wouldn’t let it go.

The definition of insanity, according to Webster’s revised unabridged dictionary, includes the following:

1. (n.) The state of being insane; unsoundness or derangement of mind; madness; lunacy.

2. (n.) Such a mental condition, as, either from the existence of delusions, or from incapacity to distinguish between right and wrong, with regard to any matter under action, does away with individual responsibility.

Look at some of the words used here: unsoundness, derangement, madness, mental condition, delusions, incapacity. What do these words sound like? Are they positive or negative? To me, looking at them now, they seem like something I want absolutely no part of. They sound like a life of stress and anxiety. Why do we allow ourselves to feel like this? If we love ourselves, why would we put ourselves through this? Here’s the next questions we must ask ourselves: do I truly love me? Do I love who I am? Do I love what I am about? Do I love my flaws? If the answer to those questions is yes, then great! However, if you are like me and the answer to those questions was no, how in the world can you expect others to treat you well if YOU aren’t even willing to treat yourself well? This is what I had to face just recently.

I thought I was free from pain and heartache from the past. My post traumatic stress injuries were healed. Yet, here I was, two years (almost three) into my spiritual journey, where I publicly displayed my renewed heart towards the Lord, looking at myself in the mirror, unloaded gun pointed at my chin, not understanding why I would ever have to go that far in order to wake up. I want to point out the gun was unloaded because by no means did I desire deep within my soul to take my life. However, I needed to see the image because I needed to think about what I would be leaving behind if I weren’t here. I had to realize that if the Lord wanted me off this earth, He would take me. Nevertheless, day in and day out, He continues to wake me up. I began to think about what I would be leaving behind. I thought about the mess it would make. I thought about, “who would take care of my dog right now if I did this?” I thought about “what if my daughter was the first one to walk in the house and find me? What would that do to her?” All these thoughts began to go into my mind as I looked in the mirror at that image of myself, hitting yet another rock. I finally came to the conclusion that nothing and no one was worth me getting to that point of not wanting to be alive. I realized that my purpose here on earth is much bigger than I can even fathom and I will remain here to walk it out with the Lord for as long as it takes to come about. I put the gun down and smiled at myself in the mirror. I had finally arrived. I finally loved myself for who I am, all my flaws, all my mistakes, all my falling down. Through it all, the Lord was with me. He never allowed me to stay down. He won’t allow you to stay down either.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding.” - Proverbs 3:5 (NASB2020)

A few months ago, a term was introduced to me through a good friend and confidant/business partner as He put his “counselor” hat on. We were talking about PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), or what I call PTSI (Post Traumatic Stress Injury). After we talked about it, I began to really do more research. One article states the following: “Moral injury can occur in reaction to a traumatic event in which deeply held morals or values are violated. The resulting distress may lead to PTSD, depression, and other disorders in which feelings such as guilt, shame, betrayal and anger are predominant, although these feelings may occur in the absence of a formal disorder. Although most research that has been conducted has focused on military Veterans, moral injury can occur outside of the military context” (Norman and Maguen, 2021). I also found that moral injury is what leads us to more suicidal thoughts. While I know I would never do anything that would jeopardize anyone else around me or make them feel like my actions were there fault (especially pertaining to my daughter), the fact I had to see that image of myself and think those thoughts of “what would happen if I did this?” meant there was more there than I was allowing myself to become aware of.

Let’s talk about that last word - aware. When we become aware of something, we are doing what the Bible tells us to do in Romans 12:2. That is, we are renewing our minds. We are becoming new. We are allowing ourselves to enter into an unknown. We are becoming uncomfortable. We are embracing change. Does this sound like something that is fun to do? I can tell you from personal experience that becoming aware of ourselves is no fun at all. With that being said, why would we want to go on that type of journey? Here’s why. The journey is necessary! The awareness of ourselves lets us know that sometimes, as we look at people and situations around us, what we really need to be focusing on is ourselves. We need to be looking internally, not externally. Often, we need to elicit the help of someone we trust. I also learned that we need to have more than one person. I have therapists and mentors who I reach out to now. I never wanted to “bother” anyone before, but that was the story I told myself. I wasn’t bothering them. They are to me what I get to be for others - blessings. Many of us get life from helping others. I was robbing them of the same fulfillment I desire in life. It is also important to remember what I said above - we need more than one person.

A good friend pointed out to me that I needed to discern who could be what for me. He was right. While it was a true journey to try to learn that part, what I didn’t realize is if I allowed for it, everything would fall into place naturally. I wouldn’t have to force anything. I intend to keep plugging away at this concept. I won’t say it’s easy. I definitely won’t say it’s not worth it though. Every step forward is a step in the best direction. Just remember, no matter how many times we fall, the only thing that matters is if we are willing to get back up. I can now say I am seeing the blessings more and more. They will come. We just have to be patient and continue doing what we know in our hearts we are meant to do.

If you are out there and you don’t know if you can make it, please reach out to me or someone you know and trust. I am definitely here for you. I know firsthand the feeling of abandonment and feeling alone. I know what it can do. I am here to tell you, friends, that you truly are not alone. Getting knocked down is part of the journey. If the Lord didn’t think we could handle it, He wouldn’t call us to where only He knows we are going. It is scary. Nevertheless, the more we step out in faith and not in fear, the more we can change the world…together.

God bless you. Please share this with anyone you know who may be going through a hard time. Let them know they are not alone.

References:

Insanity. (2021). Webster’s Revised Unabridged Dictionary. Retrieved from https://biblehub.com/topical/i/insanity.htm.

Norman, S.B. and Maguen, S. (2021). U.S. Department of Veteran Affairs: Moral Injury. Retrieved from https://www.ptsd.va.gov/professional/treat/cooccurring/moral_injury.asp.