Have you ever heard the saying, “hurt people hurt people?”

I never realized the extent to which this is true until I began to examine the relationships I’d had in the past, the person I was, and the people who I still come in contact with daily. The phrase really does hit home.

As a child, most of the people I was around (that I can remember) were guarded. Being betrayed by those closest to us causes us to put up this wall. In order to begin tearing the wall down, we must be willing to put forth the effort, heal through the trauma, learn to forgive (ourselves and others), and realize that not everyone is out to get us. This takes time. It takes being humble. It takes letting go of ego and pride. It takes becoming intentional.

According to Merriam-Webster, discernment means “the quality of being able to grasp and comprehend what is obscure : skill in discerning” (https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/discernment). This basically means that we are able to tell the difference between things that don’t serve us and things that do. We are able to recognize people who truly want to support and encourage us and people who are only in it for personal gain. While it may seem this should be an easy task, as the Bible warns us in Matthew 7:15 (ERV) to “beware of false prophets. They come to you and look gentle like sheep. But they are really dangerous like wolves.”

Think about people you come in contact with. Are any of these people wolves dressed as sheep? I had a couple situations pretty recently where people came dressed as sheep. However, I realized in time they were wolves. They would act as if they cared and were listening, but in reality, they were only concerned about what was in it for them. People will tell you what they think you want to hear at that time. They will seem as though they have good intentions. However, over time, their real selves will show through. It is then up to you to make choices. These choices may not be comfortable and the other person may react, but we have to remember, if they react negatively, that is on them, not you.

I am able to discern between false prophets and genuine people a little better now. However, it is still something I struggle with because deep down, I still want to believe all people are good and should be given the benefit of the doubt. I used to have a very guarded heart. This came from a childhood of trauma, not feeling important, being taken advantage of mentally, encountering reality at an early age, and simply not having enough self-worth to know the difference between good people and people who only cared for themselves. This led me to years of internal loss, depression, and even less self-worth. My self-esteem was not existent because I was so used to being hurt. The issue here was when someone good came along, I treated them like a hurt person. I cared more about what was in it for me than what I could do for them. Deep down, I still had the ability to care, but my guarded heart and obscure notion of what love was didn’t allow me to form bonds or truly love a man. If I began to get to close to someone, I would do or say something that I thought would push them away. When they didn’t go away, I would continue to push.

To this day, there is one person who has yet to allow my toxic ways to push him away - that is my husband of 15 years. When we met, I was a lost soul. I had just joined the Air Force and was in technical training for my career. I was still technically in a relationship, but I had just endured a lot of pain there as well. Before entering the Air Force, I had an abortion. Looking back, the person who I was with at that time was not a bad person. I hurt him, so he hurt me. This is what we tend to do as people, especially when we are younger and aren’t thinking about things rationally. While that individual and I were still trying to make it work, I just was not in a good emotional state to continue.

When I met my husband, I did not plan to care for him completely. I cared, but it was more fun to be around him than anything. I was hurt and I was guarded. I was not ready for what was to come. We got really close. I ended things with the other guy because it was easy to do that over the phone, and I began a relationship with this man, who was younger, who hadn’t grown up even close to how I did, and who had no idea what he was getting into with me.

Have you ever know anyone with baggage? That was me. When I came into his life, my baggage came with me. There is a song by Erika Badu called “Bag Lady.” I was her. It’s crazy because as much as I enjoyed listening to that song, I didn’t realize that was me. I was the bag lady. In the song it says, “you can't hurry up ‘cause you got too much stuff. When they see you comin' [people] take off runnin' from you it's true…one day he gon’ say, you crowdin’ my space.” I don’t know why I couldn’t see it back then. I wasn’t able to develop a real relationship with a non-broken person because the non-broken people saw my baggage. To this day, I don’t know why my husband didn’t run. Nevertheless, I am grateful he has yet to run. I was the one running from him. I was scared of letting my guard down.

How do we discern between people who have a guarded heart and those who we can believe? It’s a tough task, believe me. It's something I must work on day-in and day-out. Each morning, I pray for God to give me wisdom and strength to discern between good and evil. Some days I forget to consult him, though. Those are the days when the wolf can creep in a little more.

For anyone who is a “people-pleaser” like me, we don’t want to “hurt others.” We don’t want them to “not like us.” We will internalize things in order to “keep the peace.” Here’s what I have learned about that: if keeping the peace is destroying who you are meant to be and not allowing you to love yourself, stop keeping the peace. Speak up when you need to, leave situations that aren’t healthy, love yourself. No matter what you have seen in your life or what you have gone through, remember this: your situations don’t define you.

In order to discern between people around you, step back for a moment, observe, and ask yourself, “is this person for me or against me? Does this situation seem pure or toxic?” Stand up for yourself, because if you don’t, no one else will be able to. You are more than enough.

While it takes time (and daily effort) to get to a point where you can shed the hurt, the pain, the past, it is possible. I can now say that I am able to discern a little better these days. While it may take some time for people to reveal their true colors, I know that I don’t have to take it anymore. I can walk away. I can leave situations that aren’t 100% pure. I have a choice. These days, I choose happy. I no longer choose toxic.

Today I encourage you to begin examining the relationships you have with others. Are those relationships pure or not? Do you know without a doubt that person would stand by your side in difficult times? Does that person make you feel good about yourself when you are around him/her? Do they care about you or just themselves?

As I said earlier, I was a hurt person. I still am. The pain never just “goes away.” I have just been practicing how to move past it in order to help others and become the person I am meant to be. I am not meant to be angry or depressed or stressed. I am meant to shine. You are meant to shine. I can now teach these things to my daughter and help her shine like she is meant to. We all have these amazing abilities inside of us. We just have to begin taking the journey to find ourselves, shed the people in our lives who hold us back from finding ourselves, and really learn who we are. We must love ourselves, know we are worthy of all good things, stop habitually allowing the wrong people to take advantage of us, and begin the journey to freedom. It’s time to get rid of the bags. We won’t be able to form real, lasting, true relationships if we continue to carry those bags. Start with the smaller bags. Eventually, the larger bags will begin to be less significant.