Are you a people pleaser?

What is a “people pleaser?” I did a Google search on the phrase. Here is what I found:

Merriam-Webster defines this as “someone or something that pleases or wants to please people; often: a person who has an emotional need to please others often at the expense of his or her own needs or desires” (www.merriam-webster.com).

The Cambridge English Dictionary defines it as “someone who cares a lot about whether other people like them and always wants others to approve of their actions” (dictionary.cambridge.org)

According to the Urban Dictionary, a “people pleaser is a person who believes that they are less than most others on the planet and have the need to hide these beliefs from all whom they come in contact with. They feel so low that they typically behave like a doormat and frequently put themselves in situations where they are treated as such” (www.urbandictionary.com)

Psychology Today says “the people-pleaser needs to please others because of various reasons; her fear of rejection, her insecurities, her need to be well-liked” (www.psychologytoday.com).

All of these descriptions came in the search. I didn’t have to go very far.

Allow me to ask my original question: Are you a people pleaser?

When I thought about this in my own life, it became apparent that I am habitually a people pleaser. What’s more, is that I will sacrifice my own well-being and that of my family’s well-being often in order to help or “please” others. I want to be liked. I want to feel like I have a purpose. I am searching for something that I have been missing. Does this sound familiar?

I don’t remember a lot of my earlier childhood. However, I do remember that as I got a bit older, I was always searching for acceptance. I never seemed to “fit in” well and my family dynamic was so skewed that I never felt like I “fit in” there either. My mom was a “people pleaser.” God rest her soul, I remember she would take on so much in order to help others be happier in their own lives, even if it was at the expense of her family - at the expense of me. As I grew older, I was able to go different places in the military and learn new things, but I still had the desire to “fit in.” If I didn’t “fit in,” or feel as though I was accomplishing something in life, I felt inadequate. I would go above and beyond to be accepted. I would do things I didn’t really care for in order to have significance in the lives around me. Eventually, what this led to was exhaustion, overwhelm, denial, shame, and guilt. I had to begin learning how to say no to some people and things in order to say yes to myself and those who counted on me. It has been a tremendous process and it is nowhere near complete, but just like any other journey in life, we have to be willing to take the first step. We have to become aware of who we are and what we do habitually. Change can’t be made until this first step is completed.

I began really examining my actions in 2019 as I began a journey like no other. I was entering a time in my life where I began to feel like nothing I did was enough…for anyone. I wanted to go away. I wanted to hide. However, I wasn’t able to. I would wake up and just wonder why I was still here. However, I would see my daughter and realize it was all bigger than me. So I did the work to renew myself, become aware of some of my flaws, and begin the journey to healing. As a coach, I had to really look internally. How was I going to be able to show up for others when I had so much I needed to work through?

Luke 6:42 says, “How can you say to your brother [or sister], ‘Brother, let me take out the speck that is in your eye,’ when you yourself do not see the log that is in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take out the speck that is in your brother’s eye” (NASB 2020 version).

The Message translation of this passage is, “It’s easy to see a smudge on your neighbor’s face and be oblivious to the ugly sneer on your own. Do you have the nerve to say, ‘Let me wash your face for you,’ when your own face is distorted by contempt? It’s this I-know-better-than-you mentality again, playing a holier-than-thou part instead of just living your own part. Wipe that ugly sneer off your own face and you might be fit to offer a washcloth to your neighbor” (Luke 41-42, Message Translation).

Reading this verse made me come to terms with some flaws I had and it still helps me to this day. I must take the plank out of my own eye in order to truly be able to help others find their own planks.

I learned that I would jump into things impulsively without thinking about the impact it would have on what already existed in my life. If one thing wasn’t working out quickly enough, I would jump over to something else and try that. If that wasn’t working, I would jump to something else. I would do this with people as well. If this person didn’t make me feel a certain way, I would go to someone else. This is not a great way to live. Eventually, when it all catches up to one another, our world can come crashing down. My world had to crash down before I finally woke up. Don’t be like me. Catch it all before it’s too late. Catch it before it takes you down. Become aware of downfalls and flaws. Write them down. Then begin to work on them one at a time. You will NOT change overnight. I always tell people I am “a work in progress” to this day. I will always and forever be, “perfectly imperfect.” You will never be perfect. However, you and I are both worthy of great things in life. Our pasts do NOT define us. We do NOT have to fit in because we are meant to STAND OUT.

When we take on too much and try to please everyone all at one time while sacrificing our own well-being, it leads to overwhelm. It leads to frustration and reactivity. It leads to disaster. I am speaking from the heart because I have been through it and I can still habitually allow myself to go there. This is why it is so important to have great people around us who can help point out our blind spots. We all need people in our corner who help us work through these things. Don’t try to do it all alone. It’s one thing at a time, one day at a time, one moment at a time. Embrace the journey and stay the course. If you have people in your life who don’t support your forward progress, examine whether they should be in your life or not.

One thing I have been introduced to in my own journey is “assertive communication.” Here are some tips from Therapist Aid, LLC (2017) to learning how to stop working so hard to please others and begin learning how to please yourself:

1. Respect yourself - our needs, wants, and rights are as important as anyone else’s; we must learn how to communicate what we want while being respectful to others; it takes practice, but it is possible for sure.

2. Express your thoughts and feelings calmly - take it from me, the silent treatments don’t get anything accomplished except more silent treatment, especially if both people are avoiders habitually (an avoider is someone who avoids confrontation); don’t yell or threaten or shame; take responsibility for your emotions and stay calm when communicating your feelings.

3. Plan what you are going to say - oh yea, this is me all the way up until I get in front of the person, then I freeze up; I am working on this more now; basically, we want to know our wants and needs and how to express them before entering the conversation; have thoughts jotted down to help jog your memory if needed.

4. Say “no” when you need to - I can attest I am getting a lot better with this one; we can NEVER make everyone happy all the time; when we need to say “no,” we simply should say “no;” don’t lie about why you’re saying no (I used to feel like I needed to do this - little white lies - but I just needed to be blunt and honest); offer help to another solution if possible, but if the person just is not satisfied no matter what, it is perfectly OK to move on.
   

I had to learn that I truly can’t please everyone. In trying to do so, I would find myself unhappy and completely overwhelmed. If you can relate or would like to comment on this, please feel free to do so. Thank you for reading! You are enough. You are amazing. Keep going. All forward progress is indeed progress. The more we work on developing respect for ourselves and being honest and genuine, the more we will realize the benefits. None of us deserve to be abused by others. We are worthy of more. Believe it. Practice it. Achieve it.