The Root Cause of Anger
Ephesians 4:31-32 says, “Never be bitter, angry, or mad. Never shout angrily or say things to hurt others. Never do anything evil. Be kind and loving to each other. Forgive each other the same as God forgave you through Christ.”
Have you ever felt like you were going to explode? I have been there on so many occasions. I had no idea how much my upbringing impacted me until the first time I completely lost it with a child I was caring for. Looking back, I don’t remember the details. I only remember the poor child. When I had a child, I felt as though I would be an unfit mother. I knew I had those violent tendencies. It wasn’t until I found the Lord that I began to learn how to release some of the inner pain that was inside me for so long. It has helped me become a better person, not only for myself, but for my daughter and other children.
It is now my mission to share these stories so that other children can take a different path. I only saw violence. Therefore, I created violence when it wasn’t there. Do you know anyone who is violent? It may not be their fault.
Let’s explore what causes these tendencies and pray for those around us who don’t know they are in the wrong. Let’s not blame them. Let’s help them.
Harvard Medical School has done extensive research on this topic. The following synopsis was found in one of their published articles, “Mental Illness and Violence” (Jan 2011):
A survey of 1,410 patients with schizophrenia participating in the Clinical Antipsychotic Trials of Intervention Effectiveness (CATIE) study, for example, found that substance abuse and dependence increased risk of self-reported violent behavior fourfold. But when the researchers adjusted for other factors, such as psychotic symptoms and conduct disorder during childhood, the impact of substance use was no longer significant.
Personality disorders. Borderline personality disorder, antisocial personality disorder, conduct disorder, and other personality disorders often manifest in aggression or violence. When a personality disorder occurs in conjunction with another psychiatric disorder, the combination may also increase risk of violent behavior (as suggested by the CATIE study, above).
Nature of symptoms. Patients with paranoid delusions, command hallucinations, and florid psychotic thoughts may be more likely to become violent than other patients. For clinicians, it is important to understand the patient's own perception of psychotic thoughts, because this may reveal when a patient may feel compelled to fight back.
Age and gender. Young people are more likely than older adults to act violently. In addition, men are more likely than women to act violently.
Social stress. People who are poor or homeless, or otherwise have a low socioeconomic status, are more likely than others to become violent.
Personal stress, crisis, or loss. Unemployment, divorce, or separation in the past year increases a patient's risk of violence. People who were victims of violent crime in the past year are also more likely to assault someone.
Early exposure. The risk of violence rises with exposure to aggressive family fights during childhood, physical abuse by a parent, or having a parent with a criminal record.
In the book, If She Can: Encouraging Stories of Faith, Fire, and Fight, I wrote a story about how I grew up and what I saw growing up. I thought violence was normal and it taught me to react with violence. I was a mentally messed up kid who became violent in circumstances where the other party was helpless. This thought keeps me from judging others in this same position. While my actions allowed me to learn that was NOT the correct behavior to have towards helpless individuals, it later still became something I had to work through. The only way I was able to work through it was to become aware of the fact it still lingered: the initial rage was still there. I had to learn how to breathe through and walk away so I didn’t hurt the other person. This became even more important as a mom. I realized my reactive nature had a direct effect on our daughter. My actions were not serving me as a parent or her as the child.
The difference is some people don’t get help as early as I did. I would not have received the help had I not hurt the child I hurt while babysitting. I went into a trance. I didn’t know what I was doing until it was done. This is the same thing that can happen to others. It’s something we have to think about when we are dealing with domestic violence or child abuse cases. Many of these people involved don’t even realize what they are doing. Therefore, in order to change the outcome, we have to visit the root of the problem. It’s easy to blame the people involved. However, we may also need to ensure they are getting rehabilitative help. There is an underlying issue that must be addressed in order to change the person from the inside out. Just putting the person in prison without rehabilitation and visiting their past is just going to lead to more violent behavior.
When I became a parent, I knew I still had these tendencies. It’s why I didn’t feel fit to be a parent for a while. It’s why I was not comfortable with disciplining our daughter. I caught myself a couple times about to go overboard. It scared me. The difference here was I was aware the tendencies I once had were still there. Some people don’t realize it. Their behavior is habitual. They are protective themselves by hurting someone else - usually someone they love. It’s not always premeditated. It’s not always actions that can be stopped in the heat of the moment.
Why does the victim stay in these types of relationships?
Victims can attest that in a domestic violence situation, they stay because their attacker realizes what he/she has done, they feel ashamed and become apologetic. The victim wants to believe the attacker can change. However, if the attacks persist and the attacker refuses to get outside counseling, it is time for the victim to leave. What happens then? The attacker could get more violent. What was his/her possession is now threatening to leave. This is why the victims sometimes end up in worse situations. This keeps the victim from making a move.
So how do we come together and begin resolving the issues?
First, we must become aware of them. We must be willing to accept these things are continuing to occur. We must be open to coming together and realizing this is a problem that needs to be addressed. We must not only support and encourage the victim, but also the attacker. Maybe the person wants to change, but he/she feels so threatened now he/she goes overboard to fight the situation as a whole. At this point, the attacker is in “fight or flight” mode and needs to win the situation. It makes the person mentally worse.
What is an alternative?
Attackers should have to go into therapy as part of a sentence. There is something underlying that needs to be addressed and the only way to do that is to attack the foundation. Whatever caused the person to be this way has to surface. Otherwise, they stay in society just as mentally messed up as before and nothing ever changes.
I hope this article has opened your eyes to some ideas that need to occur during violent situations. I don’t blame the attacker. Nine time out of 10, it’s not who they are. It’s what they know and internally, what they feel they MUST do in order to protect themselves. It becomes a vicious cycle and without proper treatment, the underlying cause will never have the ability to be come out. Change must come from within. It’s time to take a stand. It’s time to stop blaming and start offering ways to cure the inner demons that cause some people to become violent to those they know and love. They feel more powerful and this could be from the inability to feel that way earlier in life.
References:
Harvard Mental Health Behavior. (2011). Mental Illness and Violence. Harvard Medical School: Harvard Health Publishing. Retrieved from https://www.health.harvard.edu/newsletter_article/mental-illness-and-violence.