Why do hurt people hurt people?

Not only do those who have been hurt tend to hurt others, but the people closest to them often get hurt the most. So what is there to do if you are on the receiving end?

As someone who operated her entire lifeguarded as a hurt person, I know all too well how to recognize this from others. When we look at people, we can’t see what they’ve been through. Many people who have been hurt also learn to compartmentalize (as I did), so they don’t even realize they are doing things that resemble what a hurt person would do. Here are some things to consider if you are around someone who has been hurt in their life:

1. They replace people easily.

2. They cut themselves off from the world easily

3. They say things they don’t mean

4. They guard their hearts

5. They try to push you away

6. They don’t apologize easily

7. They focus more on outside appearance and “things” to make them look successful instead of looking within.

Let’s begin with the first one. I put this one here because I know someone who openly admitted he does this when someone does something that makes him uneasy or doesn’t make sense. He then looks for a replacement. I wonder, though…how does the other person feel? What if this person has dealt with abandonment in his/her life? Could what he is doing also trigger feelings of shame and guilt for the other person? This is a classic example of how “hurt people hurt people.” He is hurt. He does not realize what he is doing hurts the other person…or maybe he does. He does it, and the other person is morally injured and unintentionally hurts someone they are around. It’s a domino effect that can tumble out of control without learning how to heal properly.

“Of all the possible experiences people endure when abandoned in love, rejection is probably the most painful. Once felt beloved and valuable, they are understandably demoralized and broken when they are no longer “necessary” in another’s life. A once familiar and treasured experience turns into a terrifying, seemingly endless nightmare” (Gunther, 2015).

As someone who has dealt with abandonment her entire life, I realize I became demoralized and broken at a very early age. I had no clue these feelings were there until later in life. While I thought I was making strides to help, I broke down tremendously in 2021. I concluded finally that I was relying on other people to make me “feel” a certain way. This brings me to the first step to overcoming being hurt by someone whose heart has been injured.

DO NOT RELY ON OTHERS TO MAKE YOU FEEL A CERTAIN WAY!

When we operate off other people’s emotions and reactions, we give them complete control over us. Why would we ever desire to do that? How does this process begin?

I will NOT sit here and tell you it’s easy because it isn’t. Depending on the trauma and hurt you have experienced, it may take much longer than others. That’s why we must remember that every journey is different and that we are only working to become better versions of ourselves, not to compare ourselves to others.

There are two categories to consider around people who have gone through a lot: trauma response and survival mode. If you are a teacher, a mentor, or someone who deals with people regularly, it is important to recognize signs so you don’t make them feel worse about themselves accidentally. It is also essential to notice these things in yourself if YOU have been through a lot because you may unintentionally begin pushing people away.

Trauma response and survival mode are psychological and physiological reactions when individuals experience traumatic or highly stressful events. These responses are adaptive mechanisms designed to help individuals cope with and survive threatening situations. Here's a brief overview of trauma response and survival mode:

1. Trauma Response: Trauma response refers to the psychological and emotional reactions that occur after experiencing or witnessing a traumatic event. These responses can vary depending on the individual and the nature of the trauma, but some common reactions include:

   • Fight, Flight, or Freeze: This refers to individuals' instinctual responses when faced with danger. They may either engage in an aggressive response (fight), attempt to escape or avoid the threat (flight), or become immobilized and unable to react (freeze).

   • Hyperarousal: Individuals may experience increased anxiety, agitation, irritability, and difficulty sleeping. They may constantly feel on edge, hyper-vigilant, and easily startled.

   • Intrusive Thoughts and Memories: Traumatic experiences can lead to intrusive thoughts, flashbacks, or nightmares. These can be distressing and cause individuals to re-experience aspects of the trauma.

   • Emotional and Behavioral Changes: People may exhibit intense emotional responses such as fear, anger, guilt, or shame. They may also engage in avoidance behaviors, withdraw from social interactions, or lose interest in previously enjoyed activities.

2. Survival Mode: Survival mode, also known as the "fight-or-flight" response, is a physiological reaction triggered by perceived threats. When individuals enter survival mode, their bodies undergo a series of changes to increase their chances of survival. Critical features of survival mode include:

   • Activation of the Sympathetic Nervous System: The body releases stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol, which increase heart rate, blood pressure, and energy levels. This prepares the individual for immediate action.

   • Heightened Sensory Awareness: The senses become more alert, and the individual becomes more focused on detecting potential environmental threats.

   • Tunnel Vision: Attention narrows to the immediate threat, and peripheral vision may diminish. This helps the individual concentrate on the danger at hand.

   • Suppressed Non-Essential Functions: Non-essential bodily functions, such as digestion and immune response, may be temporarily inhibited as resources are redirected to essential survival functions.

   • Increased Pain Tolerance: The body's pain response may be altered, allowing individuals to ignore or tolerate pain while dealing with a threat temporarily.

It's important to note that trauma responses and survival modes are natural and normal reactions to extreme stress or traumatic events. However, suppose these responses persist long after the threat has passed or significantly interfere with daily functioning. In that case, seeking support from mental health professionals who can provide appropriate interventions and strategies for healing and recovery may be beneficial.

If you or someone you know has experienced some form of trauma, I highly encourage you to look into a type of therapy called EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing). “EMDR therapy focuses directly on the memory and is intended to change how the memory is stored in the brain, thus reducing and eliminating the problematic symptoms (APA.org, 2017). For a more thorough explanation of EMDR therapy, please visit https://www.apa.org/ptsd-guideline/treatments/eye-movement-reprocessing.

I went through EMDR in 2021. I am grateful for the woman placed in my life to help me through all the trauma built up over the course of my life. As someone now coming out on the other side of it all, I can honestly say going through the sessions was one of the biggest game-changers in my life. Self-awareness is key. While we are never magically “fixed,” it is important to know what causes certain reactions and to keep people around us who understand what we have been through. Being more self-aware has allowed me to be a better person for myself and those around me. I learned how to set healthy boundaries and forgive those who caused harm in my life. I also learned how to let go of things that once haunted me. Every situation we go through in life can easily manifest later, even when we think we are “pushing through.” It’s time to take the mask off. It’s time to understand why we do what we do and react the way we do.

If you know someone who has gone through a lot of trauma and has not taken steps to process it all, encourage them to seek counseling. If they are unwilling, it is up to you to let them go on their journey. We can’t help those who don’t want to be helped. I have had to come to terms with this in my own life. It’s not up to me to change someone. It is up to them to want to change. If you are in a toxic situation with someone who does not want to try to become more self-aware, you may want to step away. If a child is going through a crisis, build an army that will help the child and never give up on them. The fact is, we all can be better in life. We have to WANT to be better.

Thank you for reading. I hope this has shed some light on things you need to face or someone else’s behavior. Ultimately, it’s about being supportive and healing through our pain, one moment at a time.

References:

American Psychological Association. (2017). Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) Therapy. Retrieved from https://www.apa.org/ptsd-guideline/treatments/eye-movement-reprocessing.

Child Guidance Resource Centers Staff. (2020). Trauma and the Brain: Signs You Might Be Living in Survival Mode. Retrieved from https://cgrc.org/blog/trauma-and-the-brain-signs-you-might-be-in-survival-mode/.

Gunther, R., Ph.D. (2015). Displaced, Replaced, Erased: The Anguishing Heartbreaks of Rejection. Psychology Today. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/rediscovering-love/201503/displaced-replaced-erased.

Jefferson Center for Mental Health. (2023). A How-To Guide for Surviving Survival Mode. Retrieved from https://www.jcmh.org/a-how-to-guide-for-surviving-survival-mode/.